Skeletons Deserve Better: A Rant from the Other Side
Greetings once again, brave soul.
It is I, Sir Reginald Bonesworth the Third, gallant knight of the Undead Kingdom, former wielder of valor and current connoisseur of game design sins. And today, I come to you not with a tale, nor a scroll of wisdom, but with a grievance. A bone to pick, if you will.
You see, I recently embarked on a noble quest. A new adventure - shiny visuals, tight mechanics, glowing reviews. I was hopeful. Perhaps this would be the one… the game that finally gave my kind the dignity we deserve.
And then, not two minutes in, I watched one of my skeletal brethren get punched into dust by a shirtless tutorial NPC with a stick. That is the topic of today’s discussion, so let’s break this down rib by rib.
1. We Die in the Tutorial
We are not even granted the mercy of a meaningful death. Nay, we perish before the title screen. One minute you’re rising from a crypt with noble purpose, the next, you’re exploded by a level-one peasant named Greg who hasn’t unlocked shoes yet.
Would it kill a game to let a skeleton survive the tutorial just once?
2. Minion or Boss. Nothing in Between.
I crave complexity. Nuance. A moral arc. Instead, I am cast as either:
A disposable foot soldier who crumbles if sneezed on, or
A shrieking undead warlord with 12 health bars, no dialogue, and a 30% chance to drop a rusty dagger.
What happened to being a person?
3. The Stats Are Offensive
You give us 2 Strength, 3 Dexterity, and zero Constitution? I’ll have you know I once suplexed a wyvern before I was even dead. My bones are made of conviction and spite, not papier-mâché. (Tis about the only French words I know!)
4. Skeletons Are Never the Protagonist
Where is our story? The tragic tale of a knight who rose again not for revenge, but for closure? Where’s the skeleton who journals? Who runs a candle shop? Who maybe loves?
No. Instead, we rattle down hallways waiting to get parried to pieces by someone with a glowing sword and main character energy. Pathetic.
5. And Don’t Get Me Started on Loot
What do I drop when I die? Bones. What kind of bones? Mine.
Imagine your femur becoming crafting material. “Oh look, I can use this to upgrade my soup ladle.” You’re welcome, I guess.
But all is not lost. Even in undeath, I believe in a brighter tomorrow, and I offer humble guidance to any game developers brave enough to listen.
Allow me to propose:
The Skeleton Representation Guidelines (SRG v1.0).
1. Give Us Voice Lines. Real Ones.
Let a skeleton say something other than “rattle” or “growl.”
Let him whisper of lost loves.
Let him scream dramatically about taxes. (I worked at Death Inc. before this - the boss wears a funny yellow bowtie!)
Let him monologue.
2. Let Us Block Just Once.
We understand we are brittle. But could we block a sword strike without immediately disintegrating?
3. Let Skeletons Be NPCs.
Why must we always be enemies? Why not the blacksmith? Or the innkeeper? Or the eccentric uncle who gives side quests and collects antique spoons?
4. Skeleton Romance Is Valid.
I have seen adventurers romance dragons, vampires, talking plants, and one very seductive sentient sword.
Why not us? What do we lack? Besides certain organs. (All organs, in-fact!)
5. Please… Let One Skeleton Wear a Sweater.
I don’t know why this is important. It just feels right. Something to do with Snow and the Royal Guard. I’ll probably remember later!
Let this be a call to developers, designers, and storytellers across all realms, we are bones, yes, but we are people, too. With dreams. With goals. With rattling knees and aspirations of glory.
And so I leave you with this plea, dear reader - not as a skeleton, not as a knight, but as a humble advocate for the bony and the brave.
We have suffered long enough in silence. Well, not silence, technically. There’s always a bit of clattering. But you understand my meaning.
The next time you slay a skeleton in a dungeon, I ask only that you pause. Consider his dreams. His aspirations. His poetry, unpublished. His soup, left simmering. And then, when you strike him down… do it with respect.
Let this be the beginning of something noble. Of justice. Of proper character arcs for the dead. For if we must be brittle, let us also be bold.
- Bones